FINAL RESOLUTION: Wanted to give everyone a proper closing update. After the CFPB complaint process, I received my full $8,000 back within 3 months instead of the threatened 180 days. The CFPB complaint was absolutely the key - PayPal's "Office of the President" team contacted me within days of filing.
I've now been PayPal-free for over a year and my business is actually doing better than ever using Stripe + Square. No holds, no drama, transparent policies. Should have switched years ago.
For anyone finding this thread in the future: Document everything, file the CFPB complaint immediately, and don't accept the 180-day hold as inevitable. The system works if you push back.
Thank you to everyone who contributed advice - @TechLaw_Sarah, @LegalTim_Esq, @PaymentsPro_Henry, and all the others who shared their experiences. This community literally saved me months of waiting and thousands in opportunity cost. You all made a real difference.